negativity sucks.

*Disclaimer... I wrote this two days before publishing it.  I'm feeling much better now.  I guess sometimes I do just have to reflect on my feelings and pray about it*

negativity sucks.

I've been feeling pretty negative the last few days.  I hate when I feel negative, but I also acknowledge that maybe I just need to feel this way right now.  So, I usually let myself because I know I'll get over it and I know everything will be fine.

As excited as I was to begin summer, I'm that unexcited to go back to work.  I hate writing that because I'm a teacher and teachers are supposed to love their jobs.  It's not that I don't enjoy teaching, because I do.  The problem is- as much as I love my job, I love my son more and it's hard to not be with him all day (especially after being with him all day, all summer).  So, I do like my job. I like teaching kids. I like my co-workers, and I know as soon I get back into the flow of work I'll be fine.  Plus, really, what do I have to complain about?  I'll be on maternity leave in less than 3 months.  Unfortunately, I'm feeling a little negative about that too.  This time around, I know how quick it'll go and I can't even imagine how hard it'll be to leave two babies after knowing how hard it was to leave one.

Anyway... I hate when people say negative stuff because I always think- "hey, it could be so much worse."  I have to remind myself that I'm complaining about things that some people don't have the luxury to complain about... So I will remind myself...

I'll list ten reasons why I should get over my negativity...
Here it goes...

1.  I have a job- that I enjoy- in my field- that pays decent- has decent hours- affords me time off for holidays- provides my family health benefits- and allows me to make a difference from time to time :-)

2.  I have a beautiful baby boy- who I love more than I could ever describe in normal words.

3.  I'm having a little girl- who I will love more than I could ever describe in normal words.

4.  My pregnancy has been pretty easy so far.  I'm able to continue my life normally- no bed rest for me :-)

5.  I have a wonderful, supportive husband who will be able to be home to watch my little boy so that I don't have to take him to daycare.

6.  I have a wonderful, supportive husband that I love enough to miss during the day.

7.  I really do like my co-workers and I'm happy to see them again after summer.

8.  I have an option.  I live in a country where I can work, where I can have children,  where I can have children and work at the same time.

9.  If time stopped and it stayed the summer of 2012 forever, I wouldn't get to take Peyton trick-or-treating, I wouldn't get to meet Harper, I wouldn't get to eat Thanksgiving dinner, I wouldn't get to open presents on Christmas with my family, I wouldn't turn 27... guess I could live without that... the point is.. I must move on.  Plus, I'm really looking forward to fall this year and going to the pumpkin patch, drinking hot chocolate, and wearing boots :-)

and last... 10.  I shouldn't be negative because it's a waste of time and what good will come from it.

Nothing.  at. all. 

So, that's it.  I've allowed myself to be negative for the last few days, but I think I'll try to wrap it up by tomorrow.  I'll try to stop crying every time I look at this picture...

(well, that might not happen but I'll blame it on hormones)

and read a little more of this...

i do... four years later

Noah in The Notebook says...

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

And this is the truth.

Marriage is NOT easy.  Anyone who says they "just want their relationship to be easy" doesn't have a realistic view on relationships.  How can a relationship between two people ever be easy when we're talking about people.

People are NOT easy.  I am not easy.  You are not easy.  Living with you for the rest of my life- no matter how much I love you- would not be easy.  And that's fine because I'm not expecting it to be.

On June 20th, Brandon and I are sharing our four year anniversary.  In four years, nothing has been easy- but everything has gotten better.  I love him more now than I thought possible.  We met in high school and when I went away to college, I used to cry for hours each time I would leave him.  I never thought I would love him more than I did then.  But I do.

But we work at things.

I ignore things that bother me  (Think: socks on the floor, dishes left unclean, moodiness)
He apologizes when he's wrong (really he apologizes when I think he's wrong.. and I try to do the same)
He puts up with me being a little too clingy and motherly (I'm really just wondering when he'll be home so that I know he's safe)
I forgive him quickly even when he really hurts my feelings and he does the same for me.

We argue.  I'm not good at keeping my thoughts to myself.  But we don't leave our arguments as they are.

He is my best friend.  He cares what I think and I care what he thinks even though I really don't know why he asks me if his shirts or shoes match with jeans- what doesn't match with jeans?

I think marriage can be easier if you have realistic expectations.  Your spouse is going to let you down.  Your spouse is going to hurt your feelings.  Your spouse is going to forget something that was important to you.  Your spouse is not always going to have the right words or make enough money or love you in the way you feel you need to be loved.

My spouse is not perfect and neither am I.  I will let him down as well, but if he loves me- he will still love me when I do.  If he is committed to our marriage and our family, he will forgive me.  Because I love him, I will try to do better in the future.

On our wedding day I repeated these vows to Brandon:

Today I take you to be my husband.

I make a commitment to you today:

With God's help I will love and serve,

Honor, and protect you.

I'm choosing today

to spend the rest of my life with you.

I will walk with you when life is good,

and through every storm.

you are a gift to me from God.

I hope others see His heart and love,

in the way I care for you.

Today, I pledge my love to you.

With this ring,

I give you my promise that from this day forward,

you shall not walk alone.

May my heart be your shelter

And my arms be your home.

May God bless you always.

May we talk together through all things.

May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are.

May you always see your innocence in my eyes.

I give you my heart.

I have no greater gift to give.

I promise I shall always do my best.

I feel so honored to call you my husband

I feel so pleased to call you mine.

May we feel this joy forever.

On June 20th, 2008, I made a commitment that I intended to keep.  I don't do it on my own.  I've learned love, compassion, and forgiveness in the way that God has love, compassion, and forgiveness for me.  I know that we would not be where we are without Jesus as the foundation of our marriage and of our lives.  I've read about amazing things that have been done in people's marriages because of God's love and our willingness to forgive as he forgave us.

And our willingness to turn away from what is wrong and do what is right.

And our willingness to work hard and not give up.

A part of me is writing this so that when things get hard, as I'm sure they will, I can come back to it and remind myself why he is worth it... why I am worth it...

We made a beautiful little boy- he alone is worth it! I hope our marriage serves as an example for him... of what TO DO, not what not to do.

I hope he loves deeply.

I hope he sees us love each other deeply.

I hope we always stay strong- in our faith and our commitment to each other.

Brandon,
     You are a gift to me from God.  I hope others see His heart and love, in the way I care for you.  I give you my heart.  I have no greater gift to give.  I promise I will always do try my best.

I
Love
You
Everyday.

Happy Anniversary!

ImL,
Karen

I won't give up <3

Amen to that!

"I don't want to be good enough"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the role of parents.  It began when our pastor gave a message last Sunday about the impact of rejection on us.  He posed the question... why does rejection cause such pain even when you receive multiple positive affirmations?  Why does rejection as a child, adolescent, or even adult have the power to change who we are?  Why does it hold such significance in who we become and often lead down destructive paths?  I understand that rejection can come from many sources- parents, siblings, friends, and even strangers- but I truly feel that the rejection someone feels when they are abandoned by a parent has the longest, most devastating impact.

I've been lucky in my life to have parents that have always been there.  I haven't ever had to feel rejection on that level...and I'm thankful.  Everyday as a teacher I believe I see the impact that this has on who my teenage students have become.  Many seem so lost that they will seek any form of attention- often negative- in order to be seen.  I've had several students come into class angry everyday, bitter, and negative.  It's as if they have put up a wall to make sure that no one will let them down and they lower their expectations for themselves so that they can't even let themselves down.

With Mother's day this weekend and Father's day not far behind, I hope that all mothers and fathers will realize that they have been given a wonderful gift in getting to be a parent.  I hope we all understand that with this right comes significant responsibility.

Children need you to be their life vest... protect them, keep support them, and keep them safe.

I was reminded of the impact of rejection when I watched the VH1 show, Couples Therapy.  So, I am a little embarrassed to say I was watching this show... however there was a marathon on and nothing else to watch so I got sucked in... it's not my fault :-)  Anyway... while watching Couples Therapy (mostly D-list celebrity couples live in the same house and are counseled for a month or so) the "hard-core" rapper DMX was featured with his wife.  While in therapy, 41 year-old DMX broke down, sobbing, crying because of the pain he STILL feels about being left by his mother when he was 7!

Let me repeat:  A 41 year-old rapper was sobbing over not being ever being able to call his mother "mommy" and never being told "I love you."

Do you see the necessity for present, loving parents?

I was hit hard once more this week when I finally got around to watching the movie Courageous.  I've put off watching it because to be honest... it's a "Christian" movie and I was afraid it would be filled with bad acting and corny dialogue.  Well... there was some of that- but the message was so GOOD that it didn't matter.  The movie is about a father's role, more specifically a father's role according to the Bible.  In our society, growing up in a household without a father has become so normal that I probably almost come off as "judgemental" when I say that I think this change has also had a role in some of the negative changes that our society has experienced as well.

In the end of the movie, the main character says this...

"....A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts.  He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God.  He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect, and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity."

 
Unless you don't believe in God, I don't know any person who would argue with this idea of fatherhood- however we are quick to accept when fathers walk away, or when mothers don't make having their child's father in their life a priority.  I get that there are some circumstances that are beyond anyone's control, so I'm not saying that every situation is the same.  What I am saying is that regardless of why a parent is absent, I do believe that it has a significant impact on who that child becomes- for some more than others.

There was one other line that really impacted me from the same speech as the quote above.  He said...

 "as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence He has given you."

Everyday, parents- including myself- take for granted this position that God has entrusted us with.  

In the beginning of this post, I restated a question that my pastor asked in his message- Why does rejection as a child, adolescent, or even adult have the power to change who we are?  Why does it hold such significance in who we become and often lead down destructive paths?

His response to that was because we were not ever supposed to experience hurt and rejection.  When God created us, we were created "in his own image" (Genesis 1:27) and the image of God is one of love.  The Bible says "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8) 

God calls on us to love.  God said the most important commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." The second most important commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:28-32)
  
We were called to and created to love one another.  We were never meant to feel rejection, disappointment or pain, so when we do- it hurts... bad and it can cause us to act out in search of the love that we were created to feel.

This Mother's day I will remember that being a mother is a privilege, it is a gift given to me by God.  No matter how tired I am or frustrated, or angry, or annoyed- I have been placed in a position of influence and I would be dishonoring God if I did not hold myself accountable to His expectations. With that being said......

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is a mother (or mother figure) to someone!   

(almost) Mother's Day 2012

when the night has come and the land is dark

     Where you go, I’ll go and where you stay, I’ll stay comes from one of my favorite stories in the Bible.  If you don’t know the story behind it, let me tell you…

     A long time ago there was a woman named Naomi.  She was married to Elimelek and they had two sons named Mahlon and Kilion.  The lived in Bethlehem, Judah but went to live in the country of Moab after a famine struck the land.  Unfortunately, Elimelek died, so Naomi was left alone with her sons.  They each married Moabite women.  These ladies were named Orpah (not Oprah) and Ruth.

     After ten..ish years, Naomi’s sons Mahlon and Kilion also died.  At this point she was left with only her daughters-in-law.  Around this time, Naomi heard that God had aided the people of Judah by giving them food.  She planned to return to Judah with her daughters-in-law.

     As they set off to go, Naomi said to her daughters-in-law 

“Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home.  May the LORD show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me.  May the LORD grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.”

     Hearing this, they cried and reassured Naomi that they would go with her.  But, Naomi said “Return home, my daughters.  Why would you come with me?  Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands?”

 

     The girls cried again.  Orpah kissed Naomi and said goodbye.  But Ruth didn’t.  Naomi urged Ruth again to go.  Ruth turned to Naomi and said...

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you.  Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will be my people and your God my God.  Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.  May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

At that Ruth and Naomi walked on to Bethlehem.

As the story continues, Ruth goes on to marry again.  She marries a man named Boaz and has a son.  Her son is Obed.  Obed becomes the father of Jesse and Jesse becomes the father of David.

This leads me to the About Me section of my blog.  As I said, I want the kind of faith and loyalty that Ruth had.  She refused to turn her back on Naomi, which ultimately lead to her becoming the great-grandmother of King David.

She didn't do what was easy.

She wasn’t afraid to do what she felt in her heart was right. 

 

She didn’t allow the pursuit of her own happiness to get in the way of what God called on her for.

   

She put someone else before herself.  

I hope to be that strong.

what do you know about perfect?

Please tell me...Is there a such thing as perfect?

I overheard a conversation about this today, and my reaction was to jokingly say... "I know someone who is Perfect.  Peyton."  And then I stopped before I said that, because the truth is- Peyton is not perfect.

Before he was born, I had lots of plans for Peyton's life.  I knew exactly what I would do in every situation and exactly who I would be as a mother.  Well... let me tell you a little about Peyton.

1.  He's NEVER been a good sleeper.  I kept saying he'd grow out of it.. but he hasn't.  He's had short periods of time where he slept through the night (which didn't really begin until after turning 1), but then he's like "j/k, changed my mind".

2. He's NEVER been a good eater.  When he was born he was such a poor eater he had to stay in the NICU for two weeks.  (Now this was actually my fault for delivering him 5 weeks early.. but nonetheless he was a poor eater).  He got better.. until we started him on solids.  After stage 2, it sorta went downhill from there.

3.  He hits himself in the head...repeatedly.  I'm sure that's normal... right.

4.  He throws whatever is in his hand when he gets mad.  Yeah... I thought I had at least another year until stuff like that started.  But no.

5.  He puts toes in his mouth and bites them.  Yeah I said toes.. not toys.. this was not a typo.  His, mine, Brandon's.  He doesn't discriminate.  Actually, he still puts everything else in his mouth too.  Picture: dog bones, dog food, the bottom of the swiffer yeah.. again- he doesn't discriminate.

The real truth is- Peyton is far from perfect.


I don't know when he'll be potty trained.
I don't know when he'll start to read.
I don't even know if he'll make honor roll- imagine that- a teacher's child not make honor roll?! what!
I don't know if he'll be athletic.
I can't say that he'll make great friends or girlfriends, or get into a four year college, or never use drugs.

I wish all of these things for him, but I can't guarantee any of them.

I could say that I've learned from being a first time mother to Peyton and with the next baby there is no way that I will allow him or her to sleep in my bed until 6 months old... don't judge :-)  But, the truth is- I don't know what I'll do because the truth is- I loved sleeping next to my baby.  Even now a part of me actually likes when he wakes up crying at night because I get to hold him... and I won't get to hold him for very long.  The fact that he doesn't eat much.. well neither does his dad and I like his dad... so I like that he's like his dad.  Now, I can't say that I like when he hits himself, but the face he makes while he's doing it and his laugh- well it makes me laugh too and I say "no Peyton, don't hit yourself baby!"  But, I'm thinking "you are so freaking cute.. (but please don't hit yourself baby)."  

I will do my best to be a good mom to Peyton, but I will never tell him he is perfect.  He doesn't need the pressure... especially in this harsh world.  So no, I will never tell him that he is perfect... what I will tell him is that it doesn't matter because even though he's not perfect, he is loved.

I hope for Peyton to be all of these things. Perfection is not one of them.

Picture taken by Ashley Seanez Photography

my name is written on your hands

     Sometimes you hear something or read something and you're like "that's exactly what I needed to hear!"  So that's what I was thinking today.  Lately I've really been trying to minimize my wants and appreciate what I already have.  I'm not always successful so don't think I'm trying to be all preachy about what you need to do.... it's easier said than done.  To help me out... I've been praying on Matthew 6: 19-21 which says:

 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I want to want less.  I don't want my heart to be tied to the material things I have.  Those things should not matter or have the hold on me that they often can.  Material goods should enhance my life.. they should not be my life or make me stressed in life.  I often want "things" because I'm convinced that whatever it is will fill the need I'm feeling... even when there's really no need at all.  When I pray on Matthew 6: 19-21, I remind myself that everything on this Earth is the Lord's.  None of it is mine- really, it's on loan to me.  Even the things that I "earned" with my money, or my intelligence, or my hard work are not mine at all.  It is God who gave me the ability to do everything I do.  I'm reminded of that in Psalms 24: 1

"The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it"

I was reminded of this... actually slapped in the face with "why the heck didn't anyone say this to me sooner because it is the truth!"  when I read a post on one of my favorite blogs today.  The blog post (oh, sorry. i thought that was mine.) was about how the blogger's daughter had to go to the emergency room.. but it was about more than that.  It made her realize that she didn't have control- that God was in control.  Even more than that... it helped her remember that her baby girl was not hers.  

Just like Psalms 24:1 says "... and all who live in it."  Not just the material things, not just the house and car and clothes and stuff... but the people too.  It's hard to wrap your mind around that fact.  

Jami (aka the blogger from my favorite blog) said it perfectly "it's hard to love something so much and realize you can't control the outcome of their lives. or even their days" then she asked such an important question... "why does it make me sad that i can't control their lives? because i think i'm better than God..."  Of course she doesn't.  Of course I don't- but why then do I act like it so often.  I choose to place my faith and my trust and my hope in the Gospel.  It doesn't mean it's easy but I choose to trust Him with my life and Peyton's.

On that note... here's my favorite song from church this past Sunday (Counting on Your Name by Tim Hughes)

a snowsuit in 60 degree weather

     Back in November, I bought Peyton a snowsuit and in December I bought him snow boots.  I was sure that at some point it was going to snow here and I wanted to be prepared so there would be no reason that we couldn't take him out to play!  Well, it's now February and there hasn't been any real snow (besides a weird accumulation around Halloween and a not too big snow fall a few weeks ago that melted the next day because of crazy warm temperatures).  I'm starting to think that we won't get snow this year.  And some people would think this is great- but not me.  Last year it snowed on the day Peyton was born.  I loved that it snowed for him.  It snowed again a few weeks after he was born, shortly after we brought him home.  Two years ago we had three crazy blizzards- but I loved it and I almost wish it would happen again.

2010

     Because I'm a teacher, I find that snow doesn't phase me since if it is even a little bit dangerous, I get the day off.  And the day off due to snow = me laying around in my sweats all day.  I think that's why I loved the blizzard from February 2010 so much.  It literally shut down this area for a week- and I was off work for over a week.  It helps slow us down and I think that a lot of us need that, probably more than we're willing to acknowledge.  Snow makes it ok to sit inside, wear sweatpants, lay under a blanket and watch movies all day.  I don't have to worry about getting the groceries (because I probably stocked up in advance), or running errands (because I can't go anywhere anyway).  I don't have to think about whether someone may randomly knock on my door- because everyone else is in their own houses and if they are knocking on my door they're probably wearing a more ridiculous outfit than me (something like this maybe.......)

2010

   In the United States, we're so programmed to be driven and successful and productive, that I think we don't give ourselves enough time to really enjoy life.  I've always felt this way, but of course I do even more now after having Peyton.  I can just about tell you what my day will be like every single day and unfortunately too much of it is doing things that I do more out of a feeling of necessity than want.  Going to work (and don't get me wrong- I do enjoy my job, but at this point in my life I'd set that responsibility aside if I felt I had an option), doing laundry, cleaning the house, paying bills- these are all things that I spend time doing, all things that take the place of me spending time with Peyton, or with Brandon, my family and friends.  I'm sure some people reading this would just say that I'm lazy and I need to suck it up and do what I gotta do.  But why?  Time passes so quickly.  Peyton was just born- he was seriously just born.  Yet somehow, he began sitting, then crawling, then eating food, and now walking.  At some point he began saying words and laughing.  He sticks out his tongue and squeezes his eyes really tight because it's funny.  He was just born, yet he's not my little infant anymore.  And while all of this was going on, I was working, doing laundry, cleaning, and paying bills.  It's really too bad that everyday can't be a snow day.  But you know, at least I have summer :-)  And I will leave you with this....

Who wouldn't want to slow down and really enjoy this cutie?!

12 months and 3.5 weeks old- 23lbs 12oz