you think you know it all

     I haven't blogged in far too long.  My baby girl will be five months old in two weeks!  She has changed and grown so much.  No more colic, thank God!  I wish I could have enjoyed my maternity leave more, but I quickly got a huge smack in the face with the reality of having two children.  While I would never change my decision to have two kids or to have two this close together, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  With Harper crying nonstop in the beginning, it was made even harder.  Sometimes I think God did that on purpose to remind me that I really don't control anything.  I think I got a little cocky with Peyton because he's such a sweet and easy going kid.  I guess I thought for a minute that I made him that way.  I try my best to raise Peyton in the way that God intends for me to, but me thinking that I really had anything to do with the fact he was an easy baby... that was all God.  And when Harper came along, I quickly realized that I need to not take credit for things I really have no control over.  At the same time, I can't feel guilty for things I have no control over.  I learned to care less what people thought, because no matter what, if Harper felt like screaming she would scream until she didn't feel like it anymore.  She didn't want to eat from a bottle, so she wouldn't, and I couldn't care if I made people a little uncomfortable breastfeeding her when she needed to eat.  I learned to be more humble and I learned to be more accepting of other people who may have crying children and fussy two year olds.  We're all doing the best we can.  It's too overwhelming to think about the level of gratitude I feel toward God for giving me my children.  They are so special.

     Going back to work this time after leave was actually easier.  I thought it was going to be harder, but it was ok.  I'm come to an understanding that I won't be a stay-at-home mom anytime soon and it's ok.  My job is important and it gives me the opportunity to show God's love through my actions to kids who may never feel that.  Everyday I try to remind myself to be an accurate representation of who God is by the way I interact with them.  I remind myself daily to be compassionate, kind, caring, loving, and patient with them.  I'd be lying if I said it weren't a struggle sometimes.  Even though it was easier this time, life in general is definitely harder, which is to be expected.  It's nonstop from the time I wake up and go to work until both kids fall asleep, which is usually only thirty minutes before I go to bed.  I've learned to set aside the things that don't matter all that much.  I've become best friends with my DVR and learned that it's ok if I don't watch my show the same night it comes on.. or even the same week.  I'm still taking classes, but I'm finally getting close to my masters degree.  Adding classes to the mix, is just adding more to my already full plate, but I know that when I do have "free" time, I'll appreciate it so much more.   I'm also hoping that having my masters will give me more options, so that I have more time with my children in the future.  I couldn't do any of this without Brandon's support.  He, along with God, is my rock.  I love him so so much.  We of course still have our struggles, arguments, whatever, but he is my partner and my best friend and as much as I like to think I've got it all together, I would've been a hot mess without him in my life the last five months.