my harper girl is

7 months and 3 weeks old

crawling

pulling herself up on the couch, chairs, anything else she can grab

sleeping through the night (mostly)

eating A LOT

so smiley

just like her brother

In less than 8 months, Harper has taught me so much.  In the beginning, she really tested me.  She was demanding and difficult to understand.  She taught me humility and patience.  I also learned how to multitask and prioritize.  She helped me to fix my eyes on what matters most to me.  The first three months of Harper's life we're the hardest three months of my life as I learned to balance the responsibilities of being a mother to two children.  Harper has grown so much.  She is such a sweet sweet child.  I used to only get pictures of her crying, but now she's all smiles with her tongue sticking out on most occasions.  She loves her brother, she's fearless when it comes to our dog Nelly.  She explores and climbs.  She giggles and squeals.  She talks to us, and sounds very similar to Peyton.  I adore her and Peyton.  And I absolutely love that I get to spend my entire summer with them both- everyday. 

you think you know it all

     I haven't blogged in far too long.  My baby girl will be five months old in two weeks!  She has changed and grown so much.  No more colic, thank God!  I wish I could have enjoyed my maternity leave more, but I quickly got a huge smack in the face with the reality of having two children.  While I would never change my decision to have two kids or to have two this close together, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  With Harper crying nonstop in the beginning, it was made even harder.  Sometimes I think God did that on purpose to remind me that I really don't control anything.  I think I got a little cocky with Peyton because he's such a sweet and easy going kid.  I guess I thought for a minute that I made him that way.  I try my best to raise Peyton in the way that God intends for me to, but me thinking that I really had anything to do with the fact he was an easy baby... that was all God.  And when Harper came along, I quickly realized that I need to not take credit for things I really have no control over.  At the same time, I can't feel guilty for things I have no control over.  I learned to care less what people thought, because no matter what, if Harper felt like screaming she would scream until she didn't feel like it anymore.  She didn't want to eat from a bottle, so she wouldn't, and I couldn't care if I made people a little uncomfortable breastfeeding her when she needed to eat.  I learned to be more humble and I learned to be more accepting of other people who may have crying children and fussy two year olds.  We're all doing the best we can.  It's too overwhelming to think about the level of gratitude I feel toward God for giving me my children.  They are so special.

     Going back to work this time after leave was actually easier.  I thought it was going to be harder, but it was ok.  I'm come to an understanding that I won't be a stay-at-home mom anytime soon and it's ok.  My job is important and it gives me the opportunity to show God's love through my actions to kids who may never feel that.  Everyday I try to remind myself to be an accurate representation of who God is by the way I interact with them.  I remind myself daily to be compassionate, kind, caring, loving, and patient with them.  I'd be lying if I said it weren't a struggle sometimes.  Even though it was easier this time, life in general is definitely harder, which is to be expected.  It's nonstop from the time I wake up and go to work until both kids fall asleep, which is usually only thirty minutes before I go to bed.  I've learned to set aside the things that don't matter all that much.  I've become best friends with my DVR and learned that it's ok if I don't watch my show the same night it comes on.. or even the same week.  I'm still taking classes, but I'm finally getting close to my masters degree.  Adding classes to the mix, is just adding more to my already full plate, but I know that when I do have "free" time, I'll appreciate it so much more.   I'm also hoping that having my masters will give me more options, so that I have more time with my children in the future.  I couldn't do any of this without Brandon's support.  He, along with God, is my rock.  I love him so so much.  We of course still have our struggles, arguments, whatever, but he is my partner and my best friend and as much as I like to think I've got it all together, I would've been a hot mess without him in my life the last five months.

the peanut to my butter

This is pretty much how I feel about my beautiful boy.  I started this blog just about 1 year ago with the purpose of capturing and documenting moments with my family.  I started by documenting Peyton's 1 year old birthday.  Somehow he managed to turn 2 a few weeks ago.  I'm amazed by his sweet soul everyday and entertained by his silly demeanor.  He's so smart, loving, caring, and kind.  I love him everyday with so much of my heart it hurts.

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel.

 The picture below demonstrates how truly sweet you are.  You hate to see Harper cry.  Not because it annoys you, but because you don't want to see her upset.  When she spits up, you run to get a wipe and clean her face.  You always gently rub her head with your little hands. You rock her and say "shhh Hapa."  I could have never imagined you would be such a loving brother and helpful son at only 2 years old.  You are so special.  I am so grateful to God for allowing me to be your mother.

the last 6 weeks.

     Wow, where have I been?  Harper is now 6 weeks old and it has been a wild 6 weeks.  We have been slowly adjusting to life as a family of four, but I think things are finally beginning to calm down some.

When I say calm down, I really mean- she is beginning to calm down.  Harper has proven to be much more of a crier than we were used to with Peyton.  We've wondered if it's colic, gas, reflux... all of the above.  We've pretty much ruled out everything because she tricks us by actual sleeping at night and not crying... like at all.  I can be assured between around 9pm and 7am she will not cry (she does wake up of course.. she eats and goes back to sleep).   When she's not crying, she is a sweet sweet girl.  He smiles a lot- which I didn't think was possible because Peyton was the most serious baby on the planet.  I told Brandon today that I'm starting to forget what life was even like before she was here.

As for Peyton...    
     Sometimes I wished I had Peyton's patience.  He unconditionally loves that girl so so much.  He has exceeded my expectations for bringing another child into our family.  I worried that he would be jealous or feel robbed of his time with us, or that he would regress and start acting like an infant again.  I feel silly for thinking these things of Peyton.  Peyton has the most loving and kind soul.  He has accepted Harper as his sister from day one and he takes his job as big brother very seriously.  I'm so grateful for that.

I am really looking forward to watching them together and to getting to know Harper's personality.  I feel like I am starting to see glimpses of who is she.  One thing is for sure- she's pretty stubborn....

I don't know who she got that from.

welcome to the world harper

my beautiful little girl

was born on November 12, 2012 at 9:19am

she weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and measured 19 inches

She's perfect and we're so blessed.

Her brother seriously adores her.  He's not jealous.  He rubs her hair and reaches out to hold her.  He worries when she cries and wants to know where she is when he can't see her.  He loves her.

Now that we're home, we're adjusting to having two babies (under two).  It's not easy, but I didn't expect it to be.  I'm just lucky I have Brandon, because I seriously don't think I could do this without him.

Welcome to our world baby girl.

normal around here

We've been busy getting ready for Harper and enjoying the fall.  This year like the last few, we visited a local farm in the area.  Peyton was old enough this year to participate in the activities and run around the pumpkin field.

When we got home, I let Peyton paint his pumpkin.  He seemed like he really liked painting it and he wasn't too messy about it either :-)

Two days before Halloween, Hurricane Sandy hit our area.  It was actually bad enough to close school for two days.  We lost power for a little less than 24 hours.  But things quickly resumed to normal on Halloween.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for everyone hit by Sandy :-(

Today is Election Day.  Brandon, Peyton and I went to vote early this morning.  I had the day off, but I had a ton to do to prepare for my leave.  I feel good knowing that Peyton will learn about the election process from a young age (part of the territory when your mom is a social studies teacher).

And today I had my last doctor appointment before Harper arrives!  It's pretty amazing.

Hello Pink!

Hello pink and purple...

Hello girly dresses and tights...

Hello Cinderella, Belle, and Ariel...

Hello flowers, bows, future boobs, periods, and boys... uhh? Pray for me :-)

Hello beautiful baby girl.  

Harper @ 21w- 13oz

We love you... and can't wait for you to be here.

18w 3d.. hello baby!

"I don't want to be good enough"

I've been thinking a lot lately about the role of parents.  It began when our pastor gave a message last Sunday about the impact of rejection on us.  He posed the question... why does rejection cause such pain even when you receive multiple positive affirmations?  Why does rejection as a child, adolescent, or even adult have the power to change who we are?  Why does it hold such significance in who we become and often lead down destructive paths?  I understand that rejection can come from many sources- parents, siblings, friends, and even strangers- but I truly feel that the rejection someone feels when they are abandoned by a parent has the longest, most devastating impact.

I've been lucky in my life to have parents that have always been there.  I haven't ever had to feel rejection on that level...and I'm thankful.  Everyday as a teacher I believe I see the impact that this has on who my teenage students have become.  Many seem so lost that they will seek any form of attention- often negative- in order to be seen.  I've had several students come into class angry everyday, bitter, and negative.  It's as if they have put up a wall to make sure that no one will let them down and they lower their expectations for themselves so that they can't even let themselves down.

With Mother's day this weekend and Father's day not far behind, I hope that all mothers and fathers will realize that they have been given a wonderful gift in getting to be a parent.  I hope we all understand that with this right comes significant responsibility.

Children need you to be their life vest... protect them, keep support them, and keep them safe.

I was reminded of the impact of rejection when I watched the VH1 show, Couples Therapy.  So, I am a little embarrassed to say I was watching this show... however there was a marathon on and nothing else to watch so I got sucked in... it's not my fault :-)  Anyway... while watching Couples Therapy (mostly D-list celebrity couples live in the same house and are counseled for a month or so) the "hard-core" rapper DMX was featured with his wife.  While in therapy, 41 year-old DMX broke down, sobbing, crying because of the pain he STILL feels about being left by his mother when he was 7!

Let me repeat:  A 41 year-old rapper was sobbing over not being ever being able to call his mother "mommy" and never being told "I love you."

Do you see the necessity for present, loving parents?

I was hit hard once more this week when I finally got around to watching the movie Courageous.  I've put off watching it because to be honest... it's a "Christian" movie and I was afraid it would be filled with bad acting and corny dialogue.  Well... there was some of that- but the message was so GOOD that it didn't matter.  The movie is about a father's role, more specifically a father's role according to the Bible.  In our society, growing up in a household without a father has become so normal that I probably almost come off as "judgemental" when I say that I think this change has also had a role in some of the negative changes that our society has experienced as well.

In the end of the movie, the main character says this...

"....A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts.  He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God.  He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect, and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity."

 
Unless you don't believe in God, I don't know any person who would argue with this idea of fatherhood- however we are quick to accept when fathers walk away, or when mothers don't make having their child's father in their life a priority.  I get that there are some circumstances that are beyond anyone's control, so I'm not saying that every situation is the same.  What I am saying is that regardless of why a parent is absent, I do believe that it has a significant impact on who that child becomes- for some more than others.

There was one other line that really impacted me from the same speech as the quote above.  He said...

 "as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence He has given you."

Everyday, parents- including myself- take for granted this position that God has entrusted us with.  

In the beginning of this post, I restated a question that my pastor asked in his message- Why does rejection as a child, adolescent, or even adult have the power to change who we are?  Why does it hold such significance in who we become and often lead down destructive paths?

His response to that was because we were not ever supposed to experience hurt and rejection.  When God created us, we were created "in his own image" (Genesis 1:27) and the image of God is one of love.  The Bible says "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8) 

God calls on us to love.  God said the most important commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." The second most important commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:28-32)
  
We were called to and created to love one another.  We were never meant to feel rejection, disappointment or pain, so when we do- it hurts... bad and it can cause us to act out in search of the love that we were created to feel.

This Mother's day I will remember that being a mother is a privilege, it is a gift given to me by God.  No matter how tired I am or frustrated, or angry, or annoyed- I have been placed in a position of influence and I would be dishonoring God if I did not hold myself accountable to His expectations. With that being said......

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is a mother (or mother figure) to someone!   

(almost) Mother's Day 2012

Spring Break: Day 2 and Peyton at 15 months

     After a looong Monday... Tuesday was a bit more relaxed.  Peyton and I had a playdate scheduled with a good friend and her 1 year old little boy.  We met up at a park nearby.  The boys played at the playground and then we walked them around the park in the stroller for a while.  It's nice to be able to pretend that I'm a stay-at-home mom sometimes :-)

Anyway... here's a picture of Peyton and his friend Ronin sitting on the bench.

I can't even believe that I really got a picture- this good- of two 1 years old's.  I can barely get a picture of Peyton these days.

It's crazy seeing them so grown up.  Here's Peyton and Ronin just a year ago....

Ronin was just born and Peyton was crushing him with his big head...  I'd say they're destined to be friends for life.


With that said... I need to update this blog about Peyton and all the amazing things he does these days.  This is more for me to write it down somewhere so that I don't forget.  I understand if you're like.. "I'm going to exit this page now..."

So what does Peyton do...
Well.

He says a few things:

• Dada
• Mama
• Dog
• Ball
• Juice or Shoes.. the same word is being used for multiple purposes :-)
• "There he is" after we say...where's Peyton?
• He's said "I love you" but you'd probably call me liar because it's his secret trick that he only does when he feels like it.
• And really long sentences where he is very confident in what he's saying, but we just pretend we know and say "yes Peyton! Really?!"

Cool Tricks:

• He runs
• He shuffles his feet and breaths really heavy when we say "fast feet Peyton, fast feet!"
• He blows bubbles in the tub
• Always claps after we sing the ABCs
• He's fearless and super athletic.  He does pull ups using the bathroom sink and he dunks basketballs in his mini hoop.

Things I could live without:

• He throws fits sometimes.  He's very determined, so when he can't figure something out or I take something from him- he'll make it clear that he's mad.  He has actually sat in time-out, but he sits there so nicely, I'm not sure that he knows it's a punishment.
• He bites and thinks it's funny because we accidently laugh sometimes... oops.
• He still doesn't eat a whole lot.  And his poop is nasty.  We've actually talked to the doctor about it twice, but they say it's fine?
• Still not the best sleeper.  We're working on it :-)

What he has:

• 4 top front teeth
• 4 bottom front teeth
• 1 molar on top that I can see is pushing through
• Wears a size 4-5 shoe
• Fits most comfortably in 18 mo clothing.. but we stick 12-24mo on him depending on what I want him to wear.
• Really weird curly-straight hair.. don't know where it came from?

Thank you God for this gift, that I do not deserve.  I know that you love him even more than I do- which is impossible to comprehend in my human mind.  Please watch over him... you blessed me with a wild one :-)

what do you know about perfect?

Please tell me...Is there a such thing as perfect?

I overheard a conversation about this today, and my reaction was to jokingly say... "I know someone who is Perfect.  Peyton."  And then I stopped before I said that, because the truth is- Peyton is not perfect.

Before he was born, I had lots of plans for Peyton's life.  I knew exactly what I would do in every situation and exactly who I would be as a mother.  Well... let me tell you a little about Peyton.

1.  He's NEVER been a good sleeper.  I kept saying he'd grow out of it.. but he hasn't.  He's had short periods of time where he slept through the night (which didn't really begin until after turning 1), but then he's like "j/k, changed my mind".

2. He's NEVER been a good eater.  When he was born he was such a poor eater he had to stay in the NICU for two weeks.  (Now this was actually my fault for delivering him 5 weeks early.. but nonetheless he was a poor eater).  He got better.. until we started him on solids.  After stage 2, it sorta went downhill from there.

3.  He hits himself in the head...repeatedly.  I'm sure that's normal... right.

4.  He throws whatever is in his hand when he gets mad.  Yeah... I thought I had at least another year until stuff like that started.  But no.

5.  He puts toes in his mouth and bites them.  Yeah I said toes.. not toys.. this was not a typo.  His, mine, Brandon's.  He doesn't discriminate.  Actually, he still puts everything else in his mouth too.  Picture: dog bones, dog food, the bottom of the swiffer yeah.. again- he doesn't discriminate.

The real truth is- Peyton is far from perfect.


I don't know when he'll be potty trained.
I don't know when he'll start to read.
I don't even know if he'll make honor roll- imagine that- a teacher's child not make honor roll?! what!
I don't know if he'll be athletic.
I can't say that he'll make great friends or girlfriends, or get into a four year college, or never use drugs.

I wish all of these things for him, but I can't guarantee any of them.

I could say that I've learned from being a first time mother to Peyton and with the next baby there is no way that I will allow him or her to sleep in my bed until 6 months old... don't judge :-)  But, the truth is- I don't know what I'll do because the truth is- I loved sleeping next to my baby.  Even now a part of me actually likes when he wakes up crying at night because I get to hold him... and I won't get to hold him for very long.  The fact that he doesn't eat much.. well neither does his dad and I like his dad... so I like that he's like his dad.  Now, I can't say that I like when he hits himself, but the face he makes while he's doing it and his laugh- well it makes me laugh too and I say "no Peyton, don't hit yourself baby!"  But, I'm thinking "you are so freaking cute.. (but please don't hit yourself baby)."  

I will do my best to be a good mom to Peyton, but I will never tell him he is perfect.  He doesn't need the pressure... especially in this harsh world.  So no, I will never tell him that he is perfect... what I will tell him is that it doesn't matter because even though he's not perfect, he is loved.

I hope for Peyton to be all of these things. Perfection is not one of them.

Picture taken by Ashley Seanez Photography